Overcoming Eating Disorder
Excerpt from FOUNDATION TO ALL FREEDOM 
               

By Stacy Lagerquist

 I rubbed the gravel off my hands and knees as I began to get up. I had just finished vomiting.  It was late enough in the evening for me to hide in the darkness.  As I looked up at the stars tears began to stream down my face.  Oh God!  Help me!  Within a forty-five minute time frame I had eaten a cheeseburger, jumbo fries, jumbo soda, and a dessert of some sort, then driven out of the residential area into a pasture and purged.  Are you out there?  Do you care about me?  I yelled!     

My father’s mother was one awesome grandma and mighty woman of God!  She was the director of the Panhandle of Texas for Child Evangelism Fellowship for 25 years.  She traveled all around the Texas Panhandle and anywhere else God would have her go holding training classes for people who desired to teach children in their homes or churches.  She also held “Good News Club” in her own home once a week after school.  In the summertime she would host “Seven Day Club” at her house and organize and direct “Good News Church Camp” for one week in the summer.  I had intense Bible lessons and missionary stories growing up to say the least!  She won hundreds of little hearts for the Lord!  I went where she went, did what she did, said what she said, and unfortunately, ate what she ate!

When I was five I told her I wanted to make sure I got to be with Jesus when I died.  She and I sat on the window seat in her dining room and prayed together.  I asked Jesus to “come into my heart”.  I prayed it again about 1,000 times after that just to make sure!

You can imagine how much I loved and adored my grandma.  I thought she could do no wrong and could not admit to myself that her obesity was a sin, refusing to see the weakness in her life.  I often heard her speak of being on a new diet and she would go on walks for exercise but not much really ever changed.  When she would talk down about her weight I would defend her, “You are pretty grandma, God loves you just the way you are”.

Grandma’s home was a haven for me.  I remember coming in from playing or swimming and she would quickly go to the refrigerator and say, “Are you hungry?”  Most of the time I would say, “No”.  Food was the last thing on my mind.  She had a swimming pool and I was a fish.  All I could think about was getting right back out there.  She would start pulling food out and say, “We have fried okra, fried squash, fried chicken, oh, and we still have some peaches and cream!”  Before I knew it I was sitting at the table with a feast in front of me.  It wasn’t lunchtime, dinnertime or breakfast. 

It's simple to look back and see how my grandmother comforted me with food. When grandma cooked she poured all her love out for grandpa and me. She served it to us with pride. Albeit, she did used those "nourishing" times as an excuse to overindulge.  Nevertheless, she would sit down and I would pick out a picture of a missionary off the bulletin board. We would hold hands and pray for the missionaries and thank God for our meal.  Then she was up again. She almost never sat back down until Grandpa and I was completely served to the hilt.  Grandpa would get irritated with her and finally tell her to sit down.  He just wanted her by his side while he ate.  After the meal Grandma would play a tape of scripture reading or some teaching or we would pass her Bible around and all take turns reading it out loud.  That is where she taught me how to clean out the leftovers still on the table.  Then we would pray again but this time more in-depth. We sat at that table for a couple of hours.  At Grandma's table there was unconditional love and security. Life was as it should be for all little girls.  My little adolescent Christian soul longed for that kind of life.

My grandmother sent me to every church camp, Christian conference, convention, seminar, and school she could get me into. While they were all great and wonderful and always seemed to bring revival into my heart, I never felt as close to the Lord as I did when I was at her dinner table. Why?  Because God chose to pour out His unconditional love and eternal security on me through my grandparents at that table. It was intimate.  We were close.  I was special, and nobody in this world loved me like they did. We invited Jesus into our fellowship together and He always joined us.

Grandma and I agreed that it would be good for me to spend my High School years at a private Christian boarding school.  She was willing to pay all the expenses and I wanted to go.  It was there that my penchant to overeat became obvious.  I noticed that I “out ate” most of my nicely average girlfriends, always clearing my plate.  They didn’t.  I always went back for seconds. They didn’t.  I always ate my dessert.  They didn’t.  I always had a stash of snacks in my dorm room.  They didn’t.  I was getting larger as each year passed and I knew it.

By the time I reached 20 I had a raging monster within.  He was not welcome but he was there.  I had learned how to hide my eating disorder from friends and family.  I ate in secret, developing a special affinity to Little Debbie Ding Dong’s and eating from fast food joints every meal and then some.  I got stuck on Blizzard’s from Dairy Queen.  Double-double everything!  I mostly was addicted to sugar and especially chocolate, I did not know how to shove myself away from the dinner table when I’d had enough.  I gorged myself on meals, only stopping myself when I thought someone was taking notice.  If I had to go away without that over-stuffed feeling I would find a way as soon as possible to finish off the job.

While I was going to Barber College, my Aunt & Uncle allowed me to live with them.  Guess what they always had in the pantry for my younger cousins to take to school in their lunches?  Little Debbie Ding Dong’s!  I wondered if they ever noticed them disappearing faster than usual?  In the mornings, I was home alone; everyone had left for the day.  That’s right, Little Debbie Ding Dong’s for breakfast!  There I was, alone, just me and that precious chocolate cake.  BOOM - the door flung open!  My heart leaped out of my mouth and on instinct I slammed the cake onto the wall in the pantry!  Terrified I twirled around only to be face to face with my Uncle.  He had forgotten something and was back home to get it!  I scurried off to my room, shut the door and hid in shame until he left.  I’ve always wondered if he ever looked in the pantry to see what I was so spazzed about.

If you’ve been in my shoes, that story can be humorous but you know the depth of the fear, guilt, and shame.  That happened more than 13 years ago and I will never forget it.  I have a trunk full of other precious moments just like that one.

I tried every diet I could afford and some I couldn’t.  All my focus, effort, thoughts, and money went toward my eating disorder, either for dieting or bingeing.  Oh sure, the diets worked, until the monster showed up and I plummeted into the dark pit of bingeing.  .

I was on a dangerous path.  I hated myself, hated my body, and hated my skin.  I thought I couldn’t get a boyfriend or husband, no one could ever love me.  I became severely depressed and I saw no way out.  Had no reason to live anymore, out of control over this raging monster within.  To my dismay, I continued to live. 

The thief (Satan) comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I (Jesus) came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).

John 10:10

I had stumbled upon laxatives innocently, not realizing they were a tool abused by those with bulimia.  At that time I didn’t know much about bulimia.  Focus on eating disorders seemed to be more on anorexia during that time and I loved to eat way too much to be anorexic so I was unaware that my problem could even be classified as an eating disorder.  Years passed before ever realizing I indeed had an eating disorder.  Because of my constant overeating and frequent bingeing spells, I needed relief, so I started taking laxatives.  I soon discovered that taking them regularly would give me a pretty comfortable feeling not long after a binge session, still not realizing where I was headed.

Since I knew I could not gain control of the monster within, I began to experiment with drastic tactics.  I heard about something that would induce vomiting.  In desperation, I had to do some embarrassing research and telling lies to find out what it was and where I could find it.  Again, adding to my shame.  I was able to locate a source and actually took it a few times.  It made me sick all right.  I couldn’t stand it.  Kept it on hand though, just in case.

As I got older, I found out that I probably was addicted to laxatives and had quite possibly caused damage to my bowels from abuse.  I also discovered that the laxatives, coupled with purging, worked best at maintaining my already overweight self.  This was what I considered to be damage control.  I did not like or enjoy any of the damage control tactics.  I hated them.  I had no problem wanting to quit these atrocious activities; it was the overeating and bingeing that I seemed to have no control over. 

Finally twenty-seven years old, I went to my church, desperate for help.  I met with three wonderful, Spirit filled ladies who were, gifted, and ready to help me.  At the end of a four-hour, tear filled, exhausting session, they were able to point something out to me I will never forget.  It’s not exactly good news and wasn’t something I wanted to believe.  But I knew it was true. 

During that session I told my story, confessing every sin I could think of.  I was desperate and determined, willing to do anything to be set free, even confessing my most shameful secrets. 

    Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.                                    

                                                                                             James 5:16

Confession does not mean a self-indulgent disclosure where we sit on a sofa and take advantage of the listening ear of a psychiatrist or counselor and get to hear ourselves talk for an hour or so about ourselves.  I am speaking of the gut wrenching, digging down to the depths of the hidden shame within, the stuff that you want no one to ever know about.  Mustering up the moxy it takes to expose that darkness into the light. 

I also told them about grandma and her eating habits, how grandpa would get irritated with her weight and food issues. I told them of how she would always tell him she was just trying to take care of me and my needs when he caught us in the kitchen eating and it wasn’t even mealtime.  These three ladies revealed to me that although grandma was a precious servant of the Lord, she passed a generational curse onto me.  She used me as a “buffer” between herself and my grandpa.  The ladies said, “Now, here comes the hard part”, as if that wasn’t hard enough already.  “In essence, because this stronghold in your grandma’s life is from the pit of hell, your grandma, although she loved you with all her heart and would never intentionally do anything to harm you, sacrificed you up to Satan for the satisfaction of her own fleshly desires.” 

Whew, that was hard to take!

In stunned astonishment.  I could not deny it.  We prayed a prayer of deliverance.  This prayer had a powerful impact on my life.  I got delivered! That day changed the entire course of my life!  I must make it clear to you though, I do not believe my deliverance would have been possible had I not had the hours of confession and forgiveness beforehand.  Forgiveness is key to deliverance.  Unforgiveness in your heart will keep you bound forever.  You will never be released unless you are willing to release another.  If you truly want to be set free, then you must forgive absolutely everyone in your past, present, and future.  There are no exceptions – none.  

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, you’re heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

                                                                                                                           Matthew 6:14-15

If you are struggling with an eating disorder or any besetting sin, I now invite you to pray this prayer with me.  In the last paragraph you can replace the word bulimia with the word that fits your need.

 Right now, in the name of Jesus and by the power of His blood, I break every curse that has come upon me through my father’s and my mother’s bloodlines to all my generations past.  I place the cross between those curses and myself so that from this day forth any curse that tries to come upon me will have to come through the cross.  As that curse comes through the cross it will be transformed from a curse to a blessing.  So, I declare myself free from any past curses. 

I also break those curses to all the generations of the future so that they cannot come upon my children, or their children or their children’s children.  So, I loose those curses from myself and from my children in the name of Jesus and by the power of His blood. 

     I also loose all blessings that have come through the bloodlines upon myself.  I receive them in my life and I also loose them upon my children, their children and their children’s children in Jesus name.

     I break any words that have been spoken upon me that are from the enemy.  They are broken by the power of the blood of Jesus Christ and in His name.  I nail those words to the cross of Jesus.  They have no more effect in my life.

     Now I speak to the spirit of (bulimia) and I tell you that you have no right, power, or authority in my life.  My hurts have been healed, there is no willful sin in my life, I have forgiven everyone I know to forgive and the bloodline curses have been broken.  Therefore, you come out of me and go to a dry place, the place that Jesus prepared for you! 

In Jesus’ name.  Amen.

Satan had taken that precious time I had with my grandparents growing up and distorted it in my mind - perverted it. Without realizing it, instead of associating mealtime with nourishment, or with my grandma, as I've always thought was the case, I associated it with being close to the Lord.  When my emotions were raging I longed to feel that unconditional love and security again.  Satan trained me to believe food made me feel that way, but what I really hungered for was relationship with the Lord.  Instead I had submitted myself to, and worshipped food, replacing Jesus with the temporary.  It took me a long time to realize the connection I had between food and relationship with the Lord. It was Him I sought after.

I asked the Lord what I was to do about the years of programmed, habit-forming behavior.  I could accept associating food and the overindulgence of it with almost anything but not Almighty God.  Not my pure and perfect Savior.  How sick!  I asked, "Lord, how do I deprogram my mind?  Does it just go away simply because it's now all been revealed to me?"  His answer came to me, "a renewed mind."  Of course!  

He wouldn't have given us Romans 12:1 & 2 as a command if He also weren’t prepared to equip us with the ability to fulfill it.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Romans 12:1-2

He had been equipping me all along the way.  He unveiled the hidden, dark places of my mind concerning my eating disorder, addiction and struggle.  The revelation and knowledge gave me strength and power over the fear, confusion and the unknown.  What once I did not understand, He shed His light on the hidden roots.  Now that they were exposed, I could see how to put them to death.

I have not been perfect since I went through deliverance.  Honestly, after deliverance I have overeaten and it did take some time to stop purging.  At first, this was confusing to me.  I couldn’t understand why I was still stumbling if I truly was delivered.  But then I realized there was a difference in my failing.  Before deliverance, it was as if I had no control over the bingeing, as if an outside force had control of my actions.  After deliverance, if I slipped up, it was because I had a choice in the matter.  I could have chosen not to overeat or eat the wrong foods.  

Relentless pressing into the Lord was key to my continuing deliverance and healing.  Not giving up when I fell down was essential.  For years I pressed into the Lord.  He has never failed me.  He has answered my prayers exceedingly, abundantly, above all I ever asked, but He required a great deal from me.  He did not just hand freedom to me without any effort on my part.  He expected me to get back up, press into Him and take the painful yet necessary steps to move forward and progress.

Don’t ever give up!